Dylan Joseph

After 23 hours of labor and 2 epiderals, an emergency c-section, my nephew was born tonight. I didnt get to talk to my sister on the phone, but I got a picture emailed to me from my cousin. Kinda looks like Stewie when he was born, but mostly looks just like my sister....

He's a Little Slow....

So Stewie is mostly on track with his motor skills. For a ten month old. Which is good because he was born a month early.
He talks alot, alot of gibberish, but didnt talk alot when the ladies were here, and they said that hes got a 5 month olds vocabulary.. which could be true. I dont know.
I think he just likes speaking in tongues so we never know what hes saying about us!

Stewie still cant hold his own spoon, or cups, so some lady is gonna come twice a month for an hour each time, and help me out with helping him out. Its great, the government totally pays for this. Plus a little from his insurance.

So on thursday I had to go to the store with my son, and buy diapers with quarters and dimes. To top that off, he's got no pants that fit a baby over three months old. So he's gotta wear pajamas with a sweatshirt over them everywhere we go. Its pitiful. Hes got nothing to wear for winter. We are going to go to a thrift store and get him some clothes, we are just waiting for a week that we arent poor!!! This sucks so bad. I mean with him getting paid every two weeks, and with me not working. We are barely hanging in there.

But aside from that. Today we went to the airport and watched the planes. Stewie loves that. We cuddle up in a blanket and sit on the hood of my car. He mostly stares at the other people though. Hes definately a people watcher.
Still calls me NaNa. Hunny gets to be called Da at least. But Im what I called my crazy grandmother. Lovely isnt it? He can say mama... just doesnt chose to say it to me...

Well like I figured, my dad decided to not call me for a few days and then pretend that I never asked him for the nose job. He's like "So when you getting married?" like i havent told him 89 times. "So what do you want me to pay for? the hall or the cake or something" Im like I dunno dad... I dunno.
He pisses me off. Then he goes off about how he wants to trade in his 2005 car for a 2007 model and how its costing him all this money but its worth it. He always tells me what he spends on himself and how much he makes, but the one time I really ask him for something. Hes just a jerk. I swear its all he talks about is his money. But whenever one of his daughters really needs something, he always says "oh well its been a rough week" or something like that... this from a man who keeps a thousand dollars under his damn pillow for emergencies.
Its so sad to wish you never had to talk to your own father again. But the truth is, I really just have to be nice and hang in there.

Bumpy Night

OOOOOOhhhh my poor baby. Last night Stewie was cruising around holding on to his baby gate when all of a sudden he trips and his head lays right into the bars.
I thought he hit his face, and since he wasnt bleeding or showing any signs of injury, we figured everything was ok.
So at supper time, Daddy was feeding him and I sat down on the other side of him, and there it was, the biggest grossest bump I have ever seen, right there on the side of my baby son's head.
I almost threw up. His first real bump. It was sooooo much harder for me than it was for him. Looking at it gave me a horrible headache and I quickly gave him some motrin before he got one.

Earlier in the day, Stewie had the runs again. Well he was at the window staning up looking at the trees (this is how he likes to take his dumps) doing his grunting, and I see this stain start peeking through his jammies. It wasnt big, so I let him finish before carefully peeling them off. They were covered in runny stinky horrible baby poop. So I took them off, and his whole back and side were covered too.
I didnt know what to do, I just ran to my bathroom, turned on the shower, threw him in the sink to take off the diaper and socks and then held him under the shower. He let out the most blood curdling scream of his life, and kept going! The water wasnt even that cold..... but I kept rinsing him off until he was clean.. then I wrapped him in my towel and took him to get a new diaper on. Somehow more shit got on the towel, which got on me and my clothes... or was it the other way around? Anyway, I put my screaming kid in his crib, threw his outfit in the trash, turned off my shower, and cleaned my stinky sink.
After all that he still only took a half hour nap... ugh...
I was ready for bed!
Hunny was all set to do yard work when he came home, until he heard about my day, so he said he'd wait and take the baby off my hands. That was awesome until the baby went boom. So can I blame the bump on Hunny?
Sure.

My ear infection cleared up, now my other ear has started throbbing. I have no more antibiotics. Somebody please hit me for being so OCD about picking at myself... grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Today

Well this morning, some nice ladies came to the house to asess Stewie's skills.
They brought all kinds of toys.
Good thing they were all women, he loves to flirt, but hes not sure of men besides daddy and paw-paw yet...

Anyways he did pretty good. They gave me some ideas on how to encourage him a little more when it comes to doing things himself.

I hope he takes a nice long nap right now. After all the playing and flirting he should.
But that little sucker has a clock in him and he likes to wake up exactly an hour to the minute from when I layed his butt down.
Yawn.

Im better, mentally lately.
I feel less "overwhelmed" but still a little down.
But thats just normal for me.

At least I dont hate Hunny this week. For a good almost month there, I really wanted to leave him. Not for anything he did, just the way I was thinking being off the anti-depressants. I get in those moods...
God, I have it so good with him. It makes me hate myself for thinking tthat way. I mean Im a total bitch to him, he does everything for me. And hes the best father Ive ever known in my life.
I always tell him he should leave me. Find someone who deserves him. He says thats just crazy talk.
But duh..... Im crazy!!

When It Rains, It Pours

Well I think I Have a stomach bug or something. I feel like Crap.
Went to the doctors on Friday, Stewie has ear infection in both ears. I figured as much, since he was refusing most of his bottles.
So hes on amoxicillin. Which Ive been allergic to for years, so I was scared he'd get a reaction, but hasnt yet.
I gave myself another ear infection this week too. Damn OCD. I still had some drops left over from last time, and I took some of Hunny's amoxicillin from something he had, and thank goodness Im not allergic anymore. We could not afford another doctor's visit for me. Im not covered in any way shape or form.

Anyways its been a tiring weekend. I need to go lay down. HMMMPH

tt#7 (the late edition)

Thirteen Oddest Looking Celebrities:

1. William H. Macey
2. Lyle Lovette
3. Dwight Yokum
4. Randy Travis
5. Ron Howards brother....
6.Gary Beusy
7. Omorosa whatever
8. Joan Rivers
9. Seal
10. George Bush
11. Laura Bush
12.Leonard Nemoy
13. Donny Walburg

Get Your Thursday Thirteen code here!!

Standing Up For What He Believes in....

Stewie uses everything to stand up now. He even tries from the crawling position, his little butt goes in the air, but he cant quite make it... He absolutely loves going over to the window and standing up and looking out there. Banging on it and in his gibberish, talking to the trees and the cars that go by.

We let him use the hallway as a free zone sometimes while Im on the computer. I went to make some coffee the other day and I hear him screaming for me. Well I check the hallway and theres my kid standing up at the baby gate like he's in jail... I got a pick of it later, but I didnt get the one of him literally banging one of his toys along the gate. He's a smart little sucker, he knows when he's in jail.

I love that my kid is learning to pull up, and is getting stronger. I love how he can hold on to something and walk to me. Its just a pain in the butt, I cant even go to pee anymore, hes always falling down. Every new event with babies is a double edged sword for sure....

WHAT THE tuesdays

Should I or shouldnt I EVER in a million years EVER watch this stupid show again? why why should I put myself through it. Why would they show a preview of this season with christopher and lorelai saying they DONT WANT TO WAIT.. you know what that means. All I can say is he better come down with a VERY TERMINAL disease, and his dying wish better be, "gee, lor, i want you to be happy, go back to luke."

END SCENE

damnit

anyway....
Doc's went good. Im back on cymbalta plus the other stuff I been taking for a few weeks.. So hopefully soon things will get better. And november second I have a therapy appointment... so I get to have someone ELSE to complain to...... But I dont know.. it might all come down to me telling her how gilmore girls sucks for the last season and im thinking suicide might just be the answer....
should I be commited???

happy post for sis

Loves me some rockin horse.. yeah!!!!!!
Stewie can now say (and understand) "Hey Gwynnie!!!" which is our little dogs name...
Going to the docs today, cross your fingers she will help me out of this total complete RUT I am in. I want to enjoy my son and fiance, not wish I could put them in a box and send them to north korea.....and the dogs.. dont even talk to me about the dogs.. my babies I once cherished as if they were brought forth from my womb itself. BLAAAAAAAAAAHHHH to all living creatures in my path.

quote

"......I've never been able to master the art of being faithful.
Scotty: Oh. That. That's too bad. But then you can't be faithful to anything until you know why you should."

this quote kinda changed my life, in a sence.. it was on "brothers and sisters" last week. took me til now to find it....

uck

I guess its my turn to be sick. I feel like a big old yucky stinky ass.
And because its hard for me to do anything but sit here and rot, its my fault that Stewie bumped his head earlier when Hunny was on the computer. I said I just need a break, just today. You get to work tomorrow. I Have to be here, sick, dying, with a baby to take care of.
MEN DONT GET IT.
I hate being this depressed. And now sick too. I just really really really want to run away. But I dont want my son to hate me. I never thought I would have these feelings. But I do. I know just wait for tuesday and see what they say about my medication.
I have found that all these thoughts about leaving and starting over happened last time I had a major medicine problem. So if I just stick it out, Ill get better. I have to this time. No matter how much Im hating everyone around me, I have a kid to think about.

TT#6

Thirteen Things I wish I could do Right Now....

1. Scream as loud as anyone has ever screamed in their life.

2. Mame and murder someone, anyone.

3. Leave it all behind and just run away.

4. Cry cry cry cry cry cry.

5. Stop being a baby.

6. Stop being like my father.

7. Pick up my son and apologize for yelling at him. How the hell should he understand why mommy is so crazy?

8. Sleep for a very long time.

9. Apologize to Hunny for being a major bitch, but then again slap him and poke out his eyes.

10. Stop letting my past RUIN my life.

11. Forget about every single idiot I ever "loved" before Hunny.

12. Kill my annoying dogs.

13. Be a kid again.

Get Your Thursday Thirteen Code Here!

Gilmore Tuesday

Im writing before the show tonight. Im just not feeling motivated so I know after it I will be asleep real quick. Plus who really needs me complaining about the show anyways? Its going to hell in a handbasket real quick this year.

So today Hunny stayed home from work with a horrible cold that him and Stewie just can not kick.
So we got a few things done and washed our cars. The boys are at his parents house right now, I did some dishes and vacuumed. Im whoooooooooooped.
I think I might make supper before they come home.... that would be a surprise lol. I think it might be the first tuesday Im not scarfing down the last few bites during the intro of Gilmore Girls, so go me.
Anywho I talked to my dad today, who's thinking he's gonna be nice and pay for the wedding and he gives me 50 bucks every month to pay some hospital bills from when I dislocated my knee. Plus he pays my cell phone bill..... WELL (shut up im not spoiled)
So I said hey, you can stop giving me money for the rest of my life, cut me out of the will even, if you get me a nose job before my wedding.
He gave me the "beautiful the way you are, personality is whats important, talk to your shrink" yaddda yadda speech. Then I gave him this: "but daddy i want to like the way i look in my wedding photos."
So he said he'd sleep on it. Please now everyone at once, cross your fingers and do a little prayer dance for me!!!!

K

Well this weekend I spent at my mothers house. I really needed to be away from the baby. I hated that so much. I feel like I am totally failing as a mother lately. I know its my medication being stubborn and screwing with my brain, but still Im the mommy and I shouldnt need to leave my child because I am about to kill him.
The weekend away was good while it lasted. But Im still very very depressed. I can not stop the crying or yelling and screaming at EVERYTHING.
I really dont know why Hunny puts up with me.
Anyways, Stewie still has a cold, I guess its been a week? Snots arent green anymore though so I guess that means he's ok. But theres still so much up there that when he's not just leaking, hes literally blowing little bubbles out the nostrils. Very fun.
Now that hes crawling around like a mad man, it makes the snots worse so... Lucky me?
He's real irritable too, since hes still sick. And god forbid anyone tries to hold this kid down to suck out them boogers. Im surprised the neighbors havent kicked down the door thinking Im brutally murdering my child in here. He's like that when he gets his diaper changed too. And his clothes. Pretty much anything that has to do with him being on his back.
He's got quite the personality now, and Im afraid it doesnt mesh well with mine. Heh.

TT#5

Thirteen Things I can't live Without.

1. The son and fiance.. blah blah...

2. A radio that plays music

3. Chocolate

4. cold weather (loves me some sweatshirts)

5. pepsi

6. taking baths

7. primetime tv

8. working anti-depressents

9. chai tea

10. ben and jerry's mint chocolate chunk

11. a hug once in a while

12. mcdonalds

13. my mommy

Yucky

Stewie's got a cold. A mean nasty yucky cold. Green snots and all. What do you do for a baby whos got the runny nose kind of cold. They just dont make medicine for babies his age.
We are both pretty worn out and irritable today. Poor thing I hate it when my baby cant breathe.

Gilmore Tuesdays

Ya know something?
The lame, random attempt at humor this episode made me wonder. Are the original writers of this show bound and gagged behind their desks?
Or is it the CW network trying to fish for new fans? People this is the last year of Gilmore Girls, lets not try and spice things up with new love affairs and new plot twists. We are supposed to be wrapping up the best show on tv with a little dignity.

Anyway, on the home front. Everything is making me cry. Has been since I got of the Cymbalta 2 weeks ago. Not only can I cry at the sound of someones voice, but I can wish a bloody, violent death on them at the same time. Dont try getting off of cymbalta cold turkey. Even though they tell you that theres none of the withdrawl effects that come with other antidepressants. They lie.
Im on something for bi-polar disorder now. She said that some people who dont react to antidepressants have found hope with this. Ive only been on it for a week so I cant expect miracles. But if it doesnt kick in soon, either I will be jumping off a tall building, or burning one down.... So hows your day been??